Childbirth Isn’t Beautiful. It’s Horrifying.
I’ll die before I push a tiny human out of my vagina
Between the years 1998 and 2007, my mother birthed three children. One of her greatest joys in life is recounting her birth stories to her children, usually when she feels we’re being unappreciative of all she’s done for us. She’s sweet that way.
I came first and my mother decided she wanted to try a completely natural birth, which means no drugs. Labor lasted over twenty-four hours, with three of those hours being spent pushing me out. (Did you know that the pushing part lasts that long? I thought once you hit ten centimeters you push for a couple of minutes and, boom, that’s it!) She eventually passed out from pain and exhaustion and the doctor had to get me out via vacuum extraction.
She learned her lesson from that experience when she had my sister. She immediately requested an epidural and the doctor stabbed a giant-ass needle into her spine. This didn’t stop her from pissing and shitting herself while a roomful of people stared at her, though.
Ever heard of an episiotomy? That’s when the doctor cuts you open from vagina to anus to make room for the baby’s head. And that’s exactly what they did to my mother when she had my baby brother. Enjoy eating your lunch with that image in your head.
